over and over

it's my custom to reflect on what happened throughout the year when it's time to replace for a new calendar.

Year 2006 has been a very rough year for me personally. while the journey continued to unfold, i found myself often in a state of depression and self-doubt. The more i discovered unique potential within, the more i also found limitation in some dark corners of myself. i was terrified and sometimes even wanted to hide on the other side of the universe.

my ngondro practice has come to its final stage. in a sense, 2006 could also be seen as the year of ngondro. Perhaps, that's why it was so terrifying. the vajra world had begun to really haunt me days and nights unceasingly.

there's no turning back; at the same time, there's no end to it. if you just took pride in where you are and stop opening to learn and accept things as they are without judgments, you would just become an arrogant person--an unworthy vessel for the genuine dharma. that's why the more progress you make, the more you have to be able to let go of yourself completely.

like reggie said, "you have to be willing to die over and over."