heartfelt reflection

i feel after three years of intensive training with my teacher, this is the first time i'm really diving into my own relative truth, my culture, family, friends, and so on, completely and wholeheartedly.

the younger generation, people in my age, seems to more receptive to what i have to say. strangely enough, for so-called "experienced practitioners," who have read my articles/ translations and feel interested to get to know me better, most of the time, i wouldn't get a chance to even talk about my experience at all. they were not interested in the experience, but merely "what do you practice? how is the practice different from what we do here in Thailand? what is Vajrayana?" and often times, i would hear, "every buddhist tradition and every religion have the same goal, to cultivate peace and harmony within." speaking the truth, sometimes, that made me get really really mad.

everyday i get up in the morning, i ask myself, "so, what's next for today?" Then at the end of the day, i just want to sit still in silence. I'm really looking forward to being in some kind of practice space with friends here in Thailand. I just want it to be small and real. in that way, i think i might be able to be myself more fully. I'm thinking about initiating a 3 day meditation workshop in one of Sulak's organizations pretty soon. it would be nice to begin with the Meditating with the Body stuffs to ground people into the earth, their experience, their relative truth, i guess.

amidst all these ups and downs, criticisms and compliments, everyday i feel the need to hold my seat, to trust myself and what i am at this point....this experience has made me see clearly the illusion of what people think about each other. it also helps me to really look inside to see what i really want, who i really am. I think of Reggie and Lee, Rinpoche, and other lineage teachers often. I believe if whatever i do comes from my heart, my teachers will always be here with me and show me the way, the next step of my journey. I also realize the importance of my daily practice much more than what i thought before. without it, i don't think i could survive on the razor edge of the situations i encounter.

i do miss Crestone, Boulder, and people in the sangha a lot. living here in Bangkok is like living in hell. it's not very pleasant for me compared to my life in the US. but at least, i know that this is exactly where i need to be. i'm really really grateful to be here at this point of my journey.... but i do miss my gurus very much.

toward the Great Eastern Sun,